Ryan the First

Ryan was a little, Asian boy with brown skin and black eyes. He was the one who cried on the first day of kindergarten when his parents tried to say goodbye. I watched from my desk, probably wearing the blank expression I wear in so many pictures of me from that time.

I wondered. Was I supposed to respond that way? My mom had said goodbye down on the small, kindergarten playground. Then, I had followed the little girl ahead of me up the stairs to our classroom. Both of Ryan's parents had followed the line up to the classroom too. Should I have felt abandoned?

I wondered. What kind of name was Ryan? Was it Ryan? It made me think of rain. There were so many new names. Heather. Megan. Michael. Alison. I knew the name Jessica from a character in my favorite book. I knew the name David because it was my oldest brother's name. There was even a boy named Christopher like my cousin. I didn't know people could have the same name as other people. My name, luckily wasn't shared by anyone one else.

It was written in block letters on a laminated label stuck to my desk. I already knew how to write it like that. Snake, triangle, an open B, another triangle, and the letter H. At home, I wrote my name on everything.
My teacher was the most beautiful woman in the world. Miss Cayott was tall and thin and had thick, wavy brown hair. She crouched next to Ryan's desk with her arm around his shoulders. Beside her, Ryan looked tiny. I thought Miss Cayott needed to be his mom because his real mom was just standing there with an unsure look on her face. Then, I was jealous that Miss Cayott was going to be his mom. I wished that I was crying too. Or that Ryan would just stop.


I went with my mom everyday when she dropped off David and Luke at school. She would let me play on the playground until it was time for me to go to preschool. I knew how it worked. We played. The teacher on the playground blew the whistle. Everyone froze. The teacher said a few things. I don't know what she said. I never paid attention. Sometimes, I didn't even freeze. I was four. Everyone knew I didn't go there.

Then, the teacher blew her whistle again. Everyone picked up their backpacks and lunch boxes from the pile by the drinking fountains. Then, everyone got into their lines. In a few moments, they all disappeared through the doors in the big white building. Parents never followed. I kept playing.

On the first day of kindergarten, I was annoyed that I had to play on the little playground. The slide was small and straight. The slide on the big playground was as tall as the school building and descended in a spiral. There weren't enough swings. The sand was different.

There was a little girl I knew from my church, Brittany, but she was in the other kindergarten class. She knew how the school worked too. Her mom taught sixth grade, and she had a big sister. Sometimes, she would come home with me at lunch time when all the kindergärtners either went home or stayed and took naps in the big kindergarten classroom. I always went home because my mom was a stay-at-home mom. Brittany's mom had to teach the sixth graders until three o'clock. We would take her back when my mom went to pick up David and Luke.

Sometimes when Brittany came home with me, we would play wedding. I would wear my brother's grey sport coat, and Brittany would wear a lacy doily on her head. She always got to be the bride because she was shorter. Besides, I had brothers, so I knew how to be a boy. Brittany only had a big sister. She and I would link arms and walk slowly, pausing after each step, down the hallway. Then, I would say, “Do you take this woman to be your waffle-y wedded wife? -- I do. Do you take this man to be your waffle-y wedded husband,” and she would say, “I do.” Then, my mom would give us cookies or Popsicles.


In Miss Cayott's class, I learned what kind of apple I liked best. We had an apple festival and made crafts with apples, and Miss Cayott cut the peels off of slices of apples. We tried each of them without knowing what color apple it was. I liked Gold Delicious. After that experiment, that was the only kind of apple I would eat. Before that, I thought apples were only red. That was what color they were in picture books and on Sesame Street. In coloring books, you were supposed to color apples red. After that, I colored all my apples yellow.

I felt rebellious. The sun was yellow. The sky was blue. Grass was green. Grapes were purple. Apples were red. That was what everyone said.


One time in Miss Cayott's class, I drew a picture of myself riding on the back of my kitten. The boy sitting next to me asked me if my kitten was underground. I frowned and said no. Then, he asked if we were flying. I frowned again and said no. I looked down at my picture. About halfway down the page, I had drawn a horizontal line with my house on it. A little below the line, I had drawn my kitten and myself, both much bigger than my house. I looked over at the picture the boy beside me had drawn. All of his people stood right on the bottom edge of his paper.

“We're on the side of a hill,” I told him.

Sometimes, I felt like the best drawer in the class.


At the beginning of kindergarten, my mom was pregnant, and in October, I got a baby brother. I think my dad picked me up from kindergarten that day, or maybe it was my grandma and grandpa. I told everyone that I wanted a little sister because I had two older brothers. If the baby was a girl, we would be tied. I wouldn't be the only girl. Really, the truth was that I liked being the only girl and hoped the baby would be a boy.

My grandpa used to tell everyone that I was his favorite granddaughter. If the baby had been a girl, he wouldn't have been able to say that anymore. My grandma and grandpa already had five grandsons, and I was the only girl. Philip made it six grandsons, and almost a year later, my cousin, Jesse made it seven. Now, there are eight. The eighth is named after my grandpa.


A little bit before kindergarten started, in August, my best friend Katie who lived down the street got a baby sister. According to Katie, it was awful. Baby Julia cried all the time. We could hear her from down the street.

I thought that Julia and my mom's baby could be best friends like Katie and me. When Philip was born and he was boy, I thought that he and Julia could get married. Then, Katie and I would be sisters.


In Miss Cayott's class, we did a play for the whole school. I had the lead role. I was a little deaf girl, and two other kids tried to invite me to church. I stared at them blankly. That was my specialty. Then, Miss Cayott explained to them what it meant to be deaf. Then, the whole class sang “Jesus Loves Me” with the hand motions. I didn't sing. I just did the hand motions.


I never played with Ryan at recess. I played with Heather and Megan and Alison and Brittany. Sometimes, we would play chase with Michael or David. Sometimes, some of the kids from the other kindergarten class, friends of Brittany's would play with us too, but I didn't know their names.

At some point, Ryan stopped going to our school.